Maime thought of herself as a Knower, yet she knew nothing about what was ahead. People would try to pin her down, ask about her 5-year plan or just what was next and she just didn’t know. She felt the pressure to have a plan and she was never a 1 year, 5 year or 10 year planner. She worked from experience, how it felt and that informed her choice to stay, change or wait for more information about wherever she found herself. So a plan that took her further into her future was very distressing and seemed overwhelmingly impossible.
For some part of her, it was a relief to not Know and when she felt that, she had the realization she was in a place in her life where she was well enough set, trusted enough that she didn’t have to know. This was a place she never thought she would be. It made her think that many things happen with or without her wishes, controls or desires. With or without praying, asking the Universe for help or any other metaphysical method of attempting to have control over her life. Her life had unfolded in ways she never could have anticipated, at least it did when she took risks, the big ones, the ones that say, do this even if it terrifies you, and even if you can’t see how it will all land, or where you will land. Someone had told her, that if she risked, the Universe would meet her without fail and that did seem to be true for her, hough that kind of new agy thinking always bothered her.
She wondered if the part of her that liked not knowing might find a way to get along with the part of her that got afraid and lived with a strong belief in lack and not being able to have what she really wanted? Trust seemed to be the calling she needed to constantly attend to.
The Mountain Climbing Goat Woman who lived inside her skin was determined to leave the fear and sense of lack at the bottom of the mountain. Those experiences had become too burdensome and heavy to allow the trek she was on. She thought about her teacher/mentor, Dr Henri Moon, and what he said about how to leave behind the hindrances of doubt, worry or anxiety. So she looked at her fear, right in the eyes, and her belief that there was lack. In doing so, she could know it to be feelings, very real feelings, but just feelings, and she just sat with that.
She wondered about defining herself by what she wasn’t. She thought the smarter thing to do would be to consider defining herself by what she Knew, even if what she knew was that she didn’t Know.
“Alice laughed: “There’s no use trying,” she said; “one can‘t believe impossible things.” “I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was younger, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”