Writing for your life, during the thick of it, is a kind of faith. You don’t have to wait for the story to end, you just have to believe that it will. ~E. L. Doctorow
Memoir: Why You Should Write It as You Live It By ALICE ANDERSON August 29, 2017
Now that Maime had changed her name from Nellie, she felt an inner strength grow inside her as if a seed had been planted with her name change and it was taking root in her soul. Nellie was a younger version of herself. The name Maime held within it her life wisdom, history and remembrances, and so she was sure the change was necessary.
She was a name changer, and she felt it important to warn people that she was that kind of female. Her change of mind, her reversal of decisions, could seem like she was a living contradiction especially to those who needed to Know and feel that life was about control and all that was familiar. But becoming Maime gave her the authority to change, contradict herself, especially if something was just not right, in a feeling sort of way, in an inexplicable sort of way. All of this made it seemingly impossible for Maime to ever get the tattoo she always thought she wanted as she never knew how long she would be that person wanting that particular image imprinted on her body, the body that was her carriage for this lifetime. What if her aesthetic sensibility changed? What if the Aesthetics Police showed up at her door, examined the tattoo, found it lacking in aesthetics and threw her in jail or worse, sentenced her to a life of hard labor making really ugly, garish tattoos of political figures or something else that held no meaning for longer than 5 minutes?
Maime was always working on herself, learning to stop the fight inside herself over knowing what she knew and the inner Doubting Thomas that was not so sure she knew what she knew at all. Her awareness of the quiet voice that said others won’t like this or that was being drawn more and more into the light, so she could just choose to stick with what was right for her and set aside the worries or concerns about what another might choose or how they might judge her for her choice. This brought forth a worry, that she would truly live the rest of her life alone because she hadn’t figured out how to balance sticking with what was right for her and being in relationship.
She pondered her use of “Doubting Thomas” and was very curious about it being a male reference that held her questioning. What was the female opposite of Doubting Thomas? The Way Seer? The Wise Crone?Another “naming” that would grow into itself, like Maime.
She could get an email, text or comment that sounded controlling, or rejecting, but was it really? She would use the Maisie Dobbs (psychologist and private investigator) technique of clearing her mind, removing unnecessary thoughts and see what was really going on. She discovered that the discomfort she felt was both what she was picking up from others but more importantly, it was a discomfort because she didn’t like what was going on or she sensed something was awry. She knew that if she didn’t have a sense she liked the people she was corresponding with, it was important to keep that focus on herself, not on what those others thought. That was the most truthful thing and the most difficult. It was way more important that she knew what she felt and thought, than whether the others liked her or not. She had to remember which way to look, which way to point the camera for a clear and true perspective.
The mix of Donald Evans and Maisie Dobbs was intriguing. One was a person, and one was a character, and both educated her, shared a vision about creativity, listening deeply and transforming the world they lived in. Maime thought of them as searchers, adventurers, wanting to know the truth, not the overlays of distortion based on misguided beliefs. Whether or not this was true about them, she really did not want to know. She just needed them to be those people who could hold the place of creativity, curiosity, and discovery. Hold those archetypes to steady her in your journey into the many things she did not completely understand.